John Veenstra

Diary of Martha Veenstra, nee Sprik, after a stroke 3 days before.

Published on the web by John Veenstra

            On the 16^th July, 1885 at 2:30 in the afternoon, my beloved father, H. A. Sprik, passed away being 77 years and 26 days old, believing that he entered into the rest that remaineth for the people of God.  Now I saw the uncertainty and changeableness of life, but only for a short time: it was driven away by the cares of life.  A week or so later Pa was to have a half-day free (Saturday).  I did all my Saturday work on Friday, gave the children a bath in the morning.  Oh, I was so happy!  First we would have a family picture taken and then to the Black Hills since I thought so much of nature.  Pa came home at noon and said, “I cannot go.”  What a disappointment!  I had been happy in it the whole week.  I was seeking it (rest) in the world again.

            Went to Wilhelmina across the river with Rein and Corneil in the buggy, walked to Alpine Avenue, sat on the stoop a little while.  She didn’t ask me to come in because she had just cleaned the house since Pa was to hear Rev. Ekster preach Sunday and she was to care for Ys and Henry.  On my return trip I thought how many disappointments in this life; how much wiser are those people who seek the welfare of their souls.  This pressed heavily on my heart so that I determined to use the means of grace more faithfully, for in the world everything called out to me, “It is not with me.”

            On Sunday I read several letters of John Newton.  I saw (realized) that the service of the Lord is a much more blessed service than that of the world, prayed the Lord that He would keep me from indifference, began zealously to pray and read. And thought secretly that I was now much better than before and that I was now the proper (fit) subject of the Lord.

            Under the preaching of Smitt about the justification of sinners before God I saw the deceitfulness of my position.  I could without Christ go right into heaven.

            I confessed my guilt before the Lord, prayed for enlightened eyes of the understanding, for the help of the Holy Spirit that I might not erect a building that at death would fall asunder.  Often I felt the need of prayer, might by God’s grace conquer some sins, but fought not enough against my impatient nature and thoughtless expressions.

The importance of eternity sometimes weighed heavily upon my heart when I thought that I still had no redeemer (ransom) for my soul.  Often then in the quiet I would give myself over to prayer, which became a necessity.  I thought then sometimes that the Lord had begun the good work in me, and trusted that he would finish it.  Once I spoke to Mrs. Faber; she said that a person had to have an abhorrence of himself.  Now I saw how great a distance I still was from the kingdom of God, for in my opinion I was not as bad as this and that one.  I became sorrowful, prayed the Lord that He might set me right, that He might give me eye salve that I might see, for so far I had been blind.

Old Year’s evening in1885 I read something in Smytegeld.  I became rebellious instead of humbling myself before God.  New Year’s morning I was more rebellious; while others were going to church, I had to stay at home to do my work.  A little before dinner I read in Smytegeld.  Then my attitude became guilty to me (in my sight) and I could humble myself before God.  In the evening I read again in Smytegeld, Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Many of the evidences paralleled mine; then a sermon further — “Whosoever will come after me let him take up his cross and follow me.”  I prayed the Lord, “Draw thou me and I will go after thee.”  The following Saturday I felt extraordinary need of prayer.  I was enabled to confess my sins before the Lord and pray Him for light and grace, to take me by the hand and to lead in the everlasting way of blessing, then I went to work.  I was sweeping upstairs.  I went over my way thus far.  I felt so insignificant and small before the Lord, and this I plainly realize(d): the Lord would yet have dealings with me, with me, — passing by so many others who still live so carelessly.  I had to sink away in wonder and praise and asked, Why should the Lord go to so much trouble for me?  Then I deeply humbled myself before the Lord and cried out with Hagar, Have I also here looked after Him that seeth me?  Yea, Lord, said I, unto thee belongeth the praise, the worship, and the thanksgiving, unto thee alone.

All this I experienced in 1885 being 33 years old.  About the middle of March 1886 we joined the church on Spring Street and the following Sunday our Cornelius was baptized.  The first Lord’s Supper I celebrated with the rest but did not enjoy it much.  I thought maybe I partook because I sat on (in) the front of the church and would cause talk if I went back.  Then I was not there for several weeks because I found I was pregnant.  When I was again in the church at the Lord’s Supper I discovered the evidences in myself such as a displeasure with myself because of my sins.  I humbled myself before God and was about to go to the table when the thought arose that Betje was in the church and she would say, Oh yes now she has been accepted (by the church) and therefore (ca)n also go to the table (of the Lord.)  I stayed away and went home sorrowfully because I cared more for man than God.  I was prayerfully active and in the evening asked God for a blessing though I knew I had forfeited it.  I prayed that through the night God would keep me from sinful dreams or thoughts, that I might keep myself busy with the Lord and that I might awaken with a prayer on my lips.

At about three in the morning I got awake with this prayer on my lips: O Lord, may the Morning star arise in my darkened soul.  I began to realize, “That is what I prayed for last evening.”  Now I believed that the Lord is a hearer of prayer.  O what blessedness I tasted that day!—that I might believe I had a satisfied God and Father in Christ!  O, thought I, as I looked to heaven, will such a God of heaven and earth deal with such a creature!  Oh blessed assurance, oh that I may learn to know it more by experience.

Later I was much taken up with money matters, had care and worry about it, was often offended, and I believe that this brought me much harm and backsliding in my spiritual life.  Still now and then the Lord would not leave Himself without witness.  Let me now recite somewhat of those experiences so that in dark times the reading of these lines may bring comfort under the Lord’s blessing.  Once I read in John, “Whosoever believeth on the Son of God, streams of living water shall flow out of his belly.”  My whole soul melted in tears, such a preciousness I found in that word.  We read in John about the draft of fishes and that Peter said, “Depart from me Lord, for I am a sinful man.”  Oh that was exactly my case.  O lord the efforts thou has(t) taken with me are too great.  I saw my unworthiness.  One morning I got awake because I was singing, “Ay, incline my heart and fiery longings of my soul.”  Oh how that expressed the deepest longings of my soul, that the Lord might incline my heart to the fear of His name.

When we were to celebrate the Lord’s Supper again I felt that I would be justified in partaking of it.  My sister-in-law Elske whispered to me, “Martha, it could be the last time,” but the fear of man held me back.  Oh how guiltily I went home!  If I should be ashamed to confess my Lord before men, the Lord also would be ashamed to confess me before His heavenly Father.  The following Sunday Dominie Vos preached about the denial of Peter.  O therein I found my likeness.  Then my heartfelt prayer was “O Lord save me the third time!”  When we were to have the Lord’s Supper again I was very prayerful.  Also the week before it when I began to sing, “All that thou lackest I’ll give if thou askest, gently and abundantly,” I begged the Lord for the Holy Spirit and pleaded the promise that the Lord would grant it to those who humbly asked.  That morning during the sermon I was given to believe that the Lord had had thoughts of peace toward me.  O what a blessedness to be allowed to experience that.  The whole day I was busy with it that the Lord would have thoughts of peace towards me!  O eternal wonder.  (Also I then went to the Lord’s table.)  Such an unworthy one!  Another day the reason became clear to me.  I saw that it was the eternal pleasure of the Lord.  O happy condition!  O I hope and wish that I may get this book full of spiritual experiences.

1^st Sept. 1894.  This book has lain still for years.  This morning I happened to pick it up.  Oh shame must cover my face when I think how far backward I have gone.  So often I am up to my ears in the world, the cares, disappointments, hardships and trouble occupy my whole heart so that there is no room for the Lord.  Nevertheless I must say that the Lord does not leave me to myself.  Often He shows that He will still take trouble with me.  In the summer of ’93 I experienced it and now about 2 weeks ago I knew a day when I dared say for certain, Lord thou art my portion for eternity and sometime I shall tell thy praises with all the heavenly ones.  O blessed experience.  No pleasure in the world is to be even compared with it.  Why do we have to go so often in the dark?

The Lord Our Righteousness

Once I was a stranger to God and (in) my heart

I knew no guilt and felt no smart (sorrow)

I asked not, “My soul, seest thou thy lot?

How shalt thou righteous appear before God?”

Though a voice should have spoken from the heavenly _______

Of the Lamb